


my heart goes forward but my head goes back

by shiiera



Series: you stole my heart and i couldn't leave you if i tried [6]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Age Swap, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Cigarettes, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Hair Brading, Hospitals, NOINE NOINE, Older Woman/Younger Man, out of chronological order
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 03:04:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14761392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiiera/pseuds/shiiera
Summary: “ Was there a Becky in the Babysitters Club?” Rey suddenly asks aloud, her thoughts getting the best of her. She can feel Ben’s hands stop braiding and he chokes out a laugh.“ What?” He shifts on the bed and resumes braiding. “ What’s the Babysitters Club?”Part VI of a series of one-shots focused on an AU where Rey is older than Ben and they're just really bad at relationships.





	my heart goes forward but my head goes back

**Author's Note:**

> not beta'd. title comes from nothing but thieves' broken machine. i just switched the two lines.

“ I’m not going to ask why you’re so good at this.”

Never did Rey think she’d be sitting on the floor of her apartment in between the legs of her boyfri — fuck buddy — watching _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_ on Hulu with her small nineteen inch used-LCD television, while he braided her hair with skilled fingers that would even rival the greatest of hair stylists.

It was a lazy Sunday on a hot August day. Ben had randomly decided to show up at her doorstep with an Apple TV in one hand and a bag of booze and Chinese take out in the other. Usually the twenty five year old would just text, asking permission if it was okay to come over and she would reply with a flat out ‘No’. But, this time Ben figured he’d try the more direct approach and just come over without announcing.

Rey wasn’t pleased but she wasn’t going to say no to free food and beer. Also, there was the Apple TV. She, of course, would not admit to butterflies dancing in her stomach or the small smile that crept on her face as she let him into her hole in the wall apartment. Those things never happened because he didn’t see them happen.

And as long as he doesn’t see her momentary lapse in judgement, he has no reason to want to think there’s more to whatever they have. Another piece she’ll keep locked in a box and kept along with the other feelings she refuses to show the world.

But now she’s sitting cross legged on the floor with her hands in her lap and his fingers through her hair. It looks like a scene out of a _Babysitters Club_ book where she’s Becky and he’s Dawn -- except those are probably not the names of any of the babysitters and Rey couldn’t have cared less to check and see if she’s right. Though, she wouldn’t doubt that there was a Becky or Dawn in those books. It seemed so _eighties_.

“ Was there a Becky in the Babysitters Club?” Rey suddenly asks aloud, her thoughts getting the best of her. She can feel Ben’s hands stop braiding and he chokes out a laugh.

“ What?” He shifts on the bed and resumes braiding. “ What’s the Babysitters Club?”

Well there goes that conversation. Rey would ignore the anvil that dropped on her head with the words, _You're Old_ , inscribed into its black iron. Besides, he was an over privileged rich boy who probably never touched a book in his life. She didn’t dare wanting to ask him about _Goosebumps_ or _Animorphs_ and instead decided to save herself the embarrassment of acknowledging their age difference by changing the topic.

“ So why are you good at all this braiding stuff again?”

She has no idea what he’s doing but she swears he going to make her look like a woman going to a gala or something. It shouldn’t take this long to braid hair; he's been at it for at least a good twenty minutes now. She feels him braiding pieces here and there as he hums a song to himself. It’s obvious he’s not watching Jake Peralta try to pull another one under Raymond Holt’s nose. For some reason, he’s too enamored by styling Rey’s hair.

“ When I was little,” Ben says as he gathers her hair to one side, “ I would braid my mother’s hair. She had very long hair and she would always style it in these intricate styles, most of them braids of some fashion. I wanted to learn and she taught me.”

Hun. She never would have imagined that Ben would be a guy that would be into braiding hair. Then again, given the length of his own hair, he probably braids his all the time (she just was never day to see it). Rey also didn’t think he had that close of a relationship with his own mother, but then again, you learn something new every day.

“ That’s nice.” Rey says quietly as he feels him braid all of her hair into one large, loose braid that rests on her left shoulder.

Ben hands her his iPhone X once he’s done and tells her to turn on the camera. She switches the camera to the portrait and raises her eyebrow at the work he’s done. There's such an intricacy to the braid she can’t believe this guy is a law school student. The dimension and texture of the braid is amazing. There’s more volume in her hair than she ever thought was possible. All she needed was a flower crown, perhaps even some daisies weaved into the braid itself, and she’d look like the perfect bride for a wed---

\-- hold that thought. Rey hands the phone back to Ben and reaches between her legs for her pack of cigarettes and lighter.

“ You should be a hairstylist.” Rey’s words are muffled against the filter of her cigarette as she lights it. She takes a drag and exhales, holding the cigarette between her fingers. Ben takes the cigarette from her and takes a drag himself.

“ Nah, I don’t have the patience to learn how to do all the other stuff.” He hands the cigarette back to Rey. “ I like books and reading. This was just something I did because it was the only time I really had to spend with my mother.”

Jake is talking to Raymond about his father. Rey finds it eerily ironic that the show they’re watching has some how decided to engage in a topic that they’ve unintentionally entered into. She thought _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_ was supposed to be funny; who asked this show to start getting into daddy issues?

Rey takes a drag, “ I don’t know what I want to be. I thought about engineering once. Realized it cost money to go to school.”

“ I thought school is free in England?”

“ It’s not, actually. It’s -- ”

Rey doesn’t talk anymore. Fucking A. She did not expect to get that personal with him. And, it’s not like she could blame it on the alcohol because they haven’t even opened up the first can of beer.

It’s his hands’ fault. That has to be it. They are nice and warm against her skin and they make her feel and think things she doesn’t want to think. She should get angry at the fact that he’s too young to even know what a _Babysitters Club_ is. Hell, when the Spice Girls was running around doing that Girl Power thing, he was probably rolling around in his diapers still. Ugh, why did he have to be so _fucking_ young.

Rey’s phone starts ringing next to her, thankfully interrupting her thoughts. She hands Ben her cigarette and picks it up, “ Hello, Finn.”

Ben takes a drag as he starts watching the television. He is partially listening to Rey’s conversation, but the conversation between Jake and Raymond on the screen has unexpectedly garnered most of his attention at the moment --

\-- until Rey starts slapping Ben’s legs rather violently. Ben looks down at Rey reaches for her hand to get her to stop, “ W-What is it! Why are you hitting me?!”

Rey leans her head back and looks up at Ben. He looks down and he swears she’s the most adorable person he has ever seen in his life. He’s been aware of her freckles for the longest time but he never noticed how they dust around her cheeks and nose like kisses from the sun.

“ Baby.” Rey says quickly. “ Finn just called. Rose is having the baby.”

“ Okay?”

Ben has met Finn.

Once.

At Denny’s after he had fucked Rey in the bathroom. It wasn’t the best conversation, and Ben swears he didn’t leave a good impression either. But, then again, he wasn’t expecting Rey’s friend to be waiting outside of the family bathroom as Rey stumbled out with an obvious, ‘ just been fucked ‘, look. Not that he has anything against the guy, but its not like he knows him enough to exactly care about this news or know the exact reaction to give.

Rey pushes herself up and starts to grab her bag and keys, “ What do you mean ‘ _okay’_ ?  We gotta go to New York Presbyterian. _Now_.”

“ Okay…?”

The last time Ben was in a hospital was when he crashed his dad’s prized antique car that he won in a bet from his old wartime friend, Lando Calrissian. The other time was when his grandmother decided to take her life by overdosing on a bunch of sleeping pills. He was too young to remember that one but there was the photos of him at her funeral in every book written about his grandfather and family to remind him.

He’s been immortalized in way too many books and magazines before he was even ten. Every single one of those photos are connected to a family tragedy.

This time is different. This time… doesn’t involve a loss of a life or the foolish mistake of a kid trying to get back at his dad over a fight about joining the United States Air Force. This time, as he looks at the bundle of joy in the arms of Rose Tico, the anxiety of being surrounded by medical equipment and the nauseating smell of medical grade cleaning products chip away with each scrunch of a button nose and yawn from a tiny little toothless mouth.

“ She’s beautiful.” Rey says in an breathless awe from beside Ben. He looks at her from the corner of his eyes and his heart swells at her wide, bright smile. It’s like the the sun itself is shining in that room and he’s become Icarus, wanting to fly closer and closer to her light. “ What’s her name?”

Rose Tico doesn’t look up from her daughter as she plays with her child’s delicate fingers with her own pinky. He’s never met her before but Ben doesn’t need to spend more than a minute in that hospital room to know that this young woman was going to be an amazing mother.

“ I think we’re going to name her after my sister,” Rose looks at her boyfriend and Finn nods in agreement. “ She died when Finn and I were kids. Leukemia.”

“ Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know…” Rey says sincerely. Rose shakes her head and looks at Rey with bright smile that makes her eyes crinkle with joy.

“ No. Today... today is a good day. Little Paige here is going to be as great as her auntie. Isn’t that right, Paige?”

“ Of course she is.” Finn says proudly. “ Paige was a teacher at LaGuardia and a gifted pianist. So many kids looked up to her and I’m sure Paige will follow in those footsteps as well. Maybe even exceed her.”

If this was a family event, Ben would have been the first to object. How dare you guys put so much on the shoulders of a child that is barely a day old. How can you write their life out for them before they even have the chance to decide? Do you all not realize how harmful that can be to someone by making them live up to expectations that can’t meet?!

But it’s not his family -- they are just a bunch of strangers that he’s barely known for more than five hours combined between the both of them. And who knows how they will raise this daughter or what this girl will become. Sometimes Ben has to remind himself that not everyone is like his own family -- obsessed with legacies and dynasties. Sometimes people name their kids after the people they love out of respect.

“ C-can I hold her?”

Ben looks at Rey, her gentle voice stopping the mental cogs running through his mind at that moment. He watches as Rose gently hands Baby Paige over into the arms of Rey. She holds the baby in her arms, occasionally cooing and whispering sweet nothings as she begins to walk around the hospital room. It’s a surreal moment as Ben stands by the bedside of Rose and watches this woman he’s given so much to hold a baby in her arms, her hair styled in a way similar to his own mother and grandmother. It seems right to him -- almost natural to see Rey in such a way.

He’s seen her in so many different lights before. As a waitress, as a lover, but never as a mother. And for someone who wants to try and seem so off put by the notion of family and kids, Rey looks too natural in this environment for him not want to marry here right then and there make a family.

Ben can’t lose her.

Ben won’t lose her.

He loves her too much to lose her.

It’s hours later when they’re walking down the tree lined streets of 61st Street in the late hours of the night. Rey in a grey t-shirt and cut off shorts, and Ben in a thin white cotton henley shirt and jeans. They decided to return to his apartment since it’s closer, or rather Rey decided to follow him off the train after coming up with some excuse about not wanting to go back home to Brooklyn on her own. A spontaneous decision on her part, but as of late, one of many spontaneous decisions that keep making her shove more and more boxes into that part in her brain that can’t hold much more.

Ben stops, just a few brownstones away from his own building.

“ I don’t want to do this anymore.” Ben says.

Rey stops walking and turns around. She raises an eyebrow, because this is totally random. What doesn’t he want to do anymore? Walk? Should she order an Uber?

But his building is not even a few feet away so ….

… wait. Does he mean them? He doesn’t want to do _them_ anymore?

Why is her heart suddenly racing in her chest and why can’t she her anything other than that loud, incessant _thump, thump, thump_ pulsating against her ear drum? This isn’t what -- no -- this is… Yes, this is what she wanted.

Finally, the kid gets it. She can go back to her normal life without having his clingy ass coming over unannounced to her apartment.

T-this is good.

Right?

“ What…” Rey swallows, tries to regain her composure. “ What are you talking about, Ben?”

He’s in her space in two steps, “ I want to be more than your friend, Rey. I want to be your partner. I want to be the man who loves you.” He cups her cheek, “ I _love_ you, Rey.”

“ I can’t stop shaking. Why can’t I stop shaking.” Rey whispers to herself as she looks into Ben’s eyes. Yeah, the kid is serious and she doesn’t know what to do. She's in complete shock.

Lies. She knows _exactly_ what she wants to do. The thing is that Rey does _not_ want to do it. Because, if she does, that little compartment in her mind with all those feelings that she keeps locked away with a key is going to burst open and when it does, Rey does not know what she’ll do or how to handle it all.

“ I know and you know that this more than just a fling. I know that somewhere in that complicated mind of yours that you love me as much as I love you. All you have to do is just allow yourself to let me love you.”

“ W-we don’t even _know_ each other, Ben.” She wants to get away. Run away. Far away. She’s just too frozen to do anything. “ I-I…”

“ We have _time_ to learn if you would just _let me in_.”

Let him in. Why should she let him in when she’s going to lose him to the machine anyway. The people that she lets into her life do not last long in her world. They come in, make a mess of everything, and leave without ever coming back. That’s what her parents did. That’s what her foster family did. That’s what the last string of boyfriends have done. No one _ever_ stays forever.

They _never_ come back.

Ben takes a step back and holds his hand out to her. He’s not asking for much. He doesn’t think he is. It’s not like they haven’t spent the last eleven months together. That should speak something for itself. He’s just so willing to make this thing _fucking_ work and all he needs from her is to take that step with him. No more games. No more evading. No more hiding.

“ Please.”

There are tears falling down her cheeks. Tears that won’t stop falling because Rey is so fucking scared. She’s scared of what lies on the other side. She’s scared of the possibility of his world ripping him away from her once she takes that step. She’s afraid of his family. She’s afraid of meeting expectations she knows she can’t meet.

“ _Please_.”

Benjamin Anakin Skywalker-Solo comes with more baggage than Rey could ever imagine one person to even possess. His name alone is just filled with the names of legacies she knows he will never meet.

But her heart moves forward while her head moves back. The compartment full of the boxes of forcefully kept emotions burst open. She takes his hand and falls into his embrace because she’s a damn fool and loves him too much to just walk away and not ever come back.

 

**Author's Note:**

> yeah. it happened. they did it. they confessed. this takes place well after part iii. i've written an explanation on ben and rey's character motivations on my tumblr, which you [can read here](https://shiiiera.tumblr.com/post/174270355154/some-character-motive-explanation-to-the-whole).
> 
> thanks for your comments and kudos!
> 
> also, for ages -- ben was born in 1992, two years before the babysitters club movie came out, and eight years after the first book was release. likewise, rey was born in 1985. the spice girls came out in 1994, so ben was too young to experience any of those things. including goosebumps and animorphs. poor kid. at least he had harry potter.


End file.
